Self love is a heady drug. The question is: are you chasing that dragon without even knowing it?

a. ORIGINS:

Narcissus is a hero in Greek mythology;  in the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, disdaining those who love him.  As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.

b. GETTING CLINICAL

The narcissist is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.  Psychiatrists recognize “narcissistic personality disorder” in the DSM-IV-TR as being:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

4. requires excessive admiration

5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

c. GETTING REAL

Note the word “grandiosity” and don’t be distracted by it. It’s not meant to suggest only the famous are able to be narcissists. It is meant to refer to YOUR sense that YOUR life is important, worthy of everyone’s attention – grandiose.

I I I. ME ME ME. Yes, we all can hear you and we all know who you are in the way you want us to know you.  You’re very important and we’re all glad we get to hear about you and your life in such great detail…

but

Your love of self & constant need to express your definition of you to us – to prove to us you’re who you imagine you are or would like to be – is the reason happiness will always be out of your reach & why love is just so complicated to you.  Why can’t you find a girl to understand you? You’re a nice guy!  We know. The women you meet know – because you spend great effort to make sure we do – and we are exhausted by your constant portrayal of identity & lack of genuine social interaction.  We all know who you are and are uninterested in spending time with a character from a movie.

d. A Question:

Wikipedia’s entry suggests that NPD occurs in about 1% of the population.  How many people do you know that seem to be playing a part in a movie, rather than truly interacting with the people in their lives?

Valentines’ Day is this weekend.  You’re single. You want something uplifting, even in this age where 40%+ of new marriages dissolve before their 4th anniversary, so here you go:

you can never have a good relationship with anyone when your focus is the relationship. There’s ahuman being there who existed well before you got to them, and they weren’t built for you or your needs or your parents or your future dreams as an actor.

If you want to be happy with someone then your body and mind have to instinctively adapt to their happiness.  If you’re not ready for this kind of sacrifice, then do you & your potential mates a favour: stay single.

I:

Play dirty.

But, win this way at the expense of your reputation.

II:

Evolution: ours is more social & less biological. We’re equipped with several unconscious social weapons, arrows we pull from our quiver to win advantage when we need it. Manipulation of language is a critical skill in the subset of those most useful in getting our way.

Simply:  argue on your terms.

Start at 8:45 for the money shot:

III:

The ‘argument kill switch’ is a social tool you can use to win any argument at any time. Wield it carefully. Consider:

Last year Miss USA was involved in a suit with the pagent company over an alleged sex tape.

It made enough noise to get her invited on Larry King Live.

In the course of that interview Miss USA dodged the questions she wanted to dodge & completely controlled Larry King ON LARRY KING LIVE NO LESS by employing this tactic.

She would interrupt questions that got too close to home on the truth of the sex-tape with “larry, you’re being inappropriate”.

The implication of the statement is huge – she took the conversation from an inquiry by Larry into the news topic at hand & turned it into a question about his character & whether he should be asking her these questions.   She forced Larry to defend himself, to battle with her on a field unrelated to the one he had intended or had prepared for.

She won, easily, by casting doubt on his character and taking the moral high ground – albeit fraudulently.

In simpler terms: if you want to win in a single move, wrestle the argument from being about content… to be about either emotions, morals or identity.

It’s the adult equivalent of the toddlers’ tantrum.  You can’t reason with a screaming 2 year old who feels wronged; you have to take your lumps and ride it out.

So there’s the crux: you can win on a whim by turning the focus to subjectives like ‘how he made you feel’, but, in doing so you run the risk of alienating Larry King.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule to never criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

Winston Churchill said that. Smart guy.  I keep it in mind & do in general extend it to include the internet. There are some topics, however, that get exemptions. The prorogue is one.

Given that this governments’ suspension of government for 2 months is comically ridiculous, its fitting then that instead of a lengthy & detailed reply of my own, I simply promote the wisdom & views of a Canadian comedian.

because, honestly: who better to point out ridiculous political behaviour than a political satirist?

click the pic to read rick’s rant:

you can’t always be the strongest or fastest or smartest. you can, however, choose to be the toughest.